Sober Parenting: It’s More Important Than You May Think

As the saying goes, “They are always watching.”

When parents drink alcohol, whether in moderation or to excess, their children notice.

And not just at home. Alcohol, for better or worse, is an omnipresent element of American culture. But David Magee believes adults should reconsider going with that flow.

“We’ve normalized and glorified drinking without teaching our children the very real risks that come with it,” says Magee, author of the upcoming book Things Have Changed: What Every Parent (and Educator) Should Know About the Student Mental Health and Substance Misuse Crisis  award-winning book Dear William: A Father’s Memoir of Addiction, Recovery, Love, and Loss. “Add to that the flood of social pressures, mental health struggles, and academic demands they face every day, and it’s no surprise this generation of young people misuses alcohol at alarming rates. We’ve done a good job of teaching young people the dangers of drinking and driving—but a very poor job of positioning alcohol as a substance that causes pain and damage.”

Many parents may consider themselves to be responsible drinkers, having a glass of wine at the end of the day or a few beers tailgating at a football game. For those parents, the notion that they are presenting an unhealthy example for their children may not resonate.

But for Magee, it’s personal. A recovering misuser of substances, Magee also found the body of his first-born son William, when he died from an accidental drug overdose. And his other two kids, now adults are recovering survivors of mental health and substance struggles.

As director of operations of the William Magee Institute for Student Wellbeing at the University of Mississippi, Magee focuses on helping students with alcohol and other drug education and support. He also hosts The Mayo Lab Podcast with David Magee, helping students and families find lasting wellbeing.

Magee offers a few points of advice for parents to consider in how they are modeling alcohol use.

Never binge drink. “If you reach for a drink daily at five o’clock, they notice,” Magee observes. “They see if you binge drink at a party and come home tipsy. And they will be more likely to do the same.”

In fact, research shows that parents who binge drink are likelier to have children who binge drink as teens. More than 90 percent of all alcohol consumed by young people (ages 12-20) is consumed as binge drinking, according to the National Survey on Drug Use and Health (2018) by SAMHSA.

Consider HOW you drink. How frequently do you consume alcohol, and what importance do you place on it? Do you drink with every meal or have a glass or two to “decompress” after a long day? Do you get visibly intoxicated on the weekend? Do you choose restaurants based on the cocktail menu?

“When you prioritize alcohol, it sends the message to kids that alcohol is worth prioritizing,” says Magee. “They will internalize this message in their own lives.”

Consider not drinking at all. If you find that alcohol is not a net benefit in your life, think about going sober. “It sets a great example to your children, not only because you’re modeling sobriety, but also because you are exhibiting a powerful approach to life—one in which you continually improve yourself,” Magee says.

“In life, we take on new habits and behaviors, and the unhelpful ones pile up like unneeded belongings in a garage or closet,” says Magee. “We don’t need them; they clutter our lives, but we keep them anyway. That’s how it is for many with alcohol. They don’t qualify as suffering from substance use disorder, but they also don’t see the value any longer. But they continue to drink because someone invites them to a party and serves a drink. It’s what you do.”

“For a long time, I didn’t understand how much time, focus, and energy alcohol wasted in my life even when I wasn’t drinking too much,” he adds. “Just a couple of glasses of wine left me a tad foggy and less productive the next day, but I’d become so used to the feeling that I thought it was normal. Once I stopped drinking, I saved my family, myself, and career, but the deeper I grew in the journey, the more rewards added up.”

Try to delay alcohol use in your children for as long as possible. Studies show alcohol is often the first illegal substance children try, and they often do so at a young age when they are still heavily under parental and family influence. This means parents have a critical role and responsibility. 

“You may not be able to stop it, because statistically, most will eventually try alcohol by the time they are in high school,” says Magee. “The key is working to delay that first taste in order to increase the odds of their wellbeing later in life.”

Have honest conversations about alcohol and its risks. By the time children get to middle school, they likely are hearing and learning about alcohol and other substances. Don’t delay the conversation, and don’t have it just once.

“Don’t center the conversation on fear and punishment and say things like, ‘If you drink, you’ll be grounded for months,’” says Magee. “That reason alone has never stopped a curious child. Talk about the law, how drinking underage is illegal, and how it can lead to other mistakes, like early sex and sexual assaults. Having these honest, engaging conversations can help delay teen drinking by months if not years. That delay can significantly impact the rest of their lives.”

If your child has risk factors for alcohol misuse, take action to protect them now. Genetics play a role in early and problematic drinking by teens, says Magee. Be aware of what your children might inherit from you, and get ahead of any associated risks by providing them with more information and education or earlier counseling than you might otherwise provide.

“Let’s say you drink regularly, and you have a 13-year-old who reached puberty at age eleven, has ADHD, grandparents on both the maternal and paternal side who battle addiction, and who got caught trying alcohol,” says Magee. “You’ll want to take additional precautions, like arranging counseling and deepening supportive, educational conversations in the household.”

Watch out for triggers, transitions, and traumatizing events. These and other risk factors can put a teen on a path to trying a substance such as alcohol. Triggering events could be parental separation or divorce, moving, starting a new school, getting cut from a team or tryout when other friends make it, puberty, illness, or death within the family. In addition to these types of transitions, the chances teens will try a substance for the first time increase during idle times, including holidays and breaks.

Work with your children to help them find their joy. We all crave sustainable joy more than anything else. But joy is what is missing from most of their lives for many reasons, including substance abuse, overconsumption of social media, lack of meaningful connection and relationships, isolation, anxiety, depression, and other mental health disorders.

Put your energy into helping your children create, find, and sustain their joy, encourages Magee. Teach them this is a holistic pursuit. They need to support their overall wellbeing by getting plenty of rest and daily movement, while limiting their exposure to social media, which can suck up all their time and expose them to damaging messages. But they also need to explore their passions to discover what joy means to them. Encourage them to explore different hobbies and interests and let them take the lead. A powerful way to do this is by asking open-ended questions.

“Open-ended questions open your child’s mind, and yours, as their responses hold the capacity to inform and surprise and delight deeply,” says Magee. “Such conversations are the gateway for a child to self-discovery, and if you begin them early, the parent-child relationship grows deeper.”

Don’t underestimate sleep and exercise. Ensure that your children are sleeping and getting daily physical activity. These two factors alone can make a profound difference in their lives. Make sure they get at least eight hours of sleep a night and that they don’t take their smartphones with them to bed. Next, encourage them to take a brisk walk or run every day. The fresh air, movement, and endorphins alone will change how they feel emotionally and physically. 

Create fun times that don’t involve alcohol. “I cannot emphasize the value of quality family time enough, even—and, perhaps, especially—regarding college students,” says Magee. Also, engaging your child in discussions about the activities they enjoy to relieve stress—and making them a part of the conversation and engagement at an early age continuing through college—contributes to happy, healthy children and families.

“Remember, even young children don’t miss a thing you do,” concludes Magee. “So, if you do choose to drink, do it responsibly and don’t allow it to become a substitute for true happiness. Your children will take their cues from you. They deserve to know that there’s no buzz in the world that can compete with joy, peace, and wellbeing.”